As long as I progress

There have been days that I get in my feelings about all of the issues going on with my health. Some days I have no idea as to why I am surprised and then there are days that I am in my “woe is me”.

I’ve been having strange symptoms for years. I went from being very active to less active over the past four years. I know that I shouldn’t be shocked, I was just hoping for diagnosis that wasn’t as heavy as MS.

I’ve worked in the medical field for 20 + years and my knowledge of MS is extremely vague. This makes me uncomfortable but I can’t really say that I am afraid. I’m learning a lot. I even might have information overload slightly but I’m one of those types of people that need to know everything when it comes to my health.

The hard part about it all, is that I wish I could have a glimpse of the future. I’m a single mom and I worry about being alone more now than what I was before.

I know it sounds silly, but my dreams suddenly went from a loving future with my future husband to what if I can’t walk, who’s going to be there to help me. I went from hoping for a wonderful life with my future husband to will I have a quality of life.

I’ve read the bad and I’ve read the good. I’ve seen people that have trouble walking, some you can’t walk at all and prone that need assistive devices to keep going. I’m realizing that you don’t really know what MS can bring a long the way. I’m choosing to be hopeful, yet prepared.

After my first round of infusion steroids, each day felt harder and harder. I was fatigued and didn’t feel good. Then each day had started to get a little better. My back started hurting less, I’ve had to use a cane and electric wheelchair. Mostly the cane.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been making slow progress. I’m still using the cane but off and on. My back hurts worse when I don’t use it but I have days I try to go without it (yes, I pay for it the next day, LOL). I don’t like it. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel embarrassed sometimes, especially with my family. I’m just happy that I am progressing little by little and I’m learning to celebrate the small wins.

I have to remind myself on difficult days, that God’s promise of a perfect life is only in heaven. The expectation of life on earth is filled with tragedy, disease,sadness, hatred etc.

He will give us strength, joy, peace, love, etc. it’s how we choose to accept what we can’t change and lean on the Lord for what we can have hope in, a promising future.

So when I wake up stiff, have numbness randomly in my hands or feet, when my legs buckle out and a host of other random pop up symptoms.

As long as I progress, I will fight to have a live a life that thrives with MS.