“It’s not you, it’s me.” This is the start of the many breakup letters I’ve written out of my insecurities to my loving boyfriend. I don’t mean it. I never do.
It seems like ever since MS reared its ugly head in my life, my hopes have dwindled and I’ve been consumed with insecurities. I look at him and fear he will leave me. I am afraid to be alone with this horrible disease!
MS hasn’t been nice to me. It’s shaped me into a bitter mess since I found out July 16th 2024. This date now has trauma attached to it. This was the day hope shattered for me. I was broken, completely broken.
This is when the letters of despair began. He doesn’t deserve to be with a girl like me. This is what I’ve been telling myself over the last 5 months. Sometimes I just cry.
I keep telling myself that I feel a distance between us. He’s changed and doesn’t want to really be with me. He’s doesn’t tell me he loves me.
I remember when he use to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He always noticed the small things. He use to randomly walk up behind me and wrap his arms around me or reach over and touch me but now, I don’t feel needed, loved, or wanted sometimes. my mind is playing tricks is on me. These are the lies that attack my mind everyday. How do we free ourselves from this mental attack?
When I was journaling yesterday. I was once again, spilling negativity on paper then I cried. I picked up the phone to call my Honey because usually hearing his voice settles me. Everything about him settles me. He answered, and tears fell down my face. I had to hold them back. I cry almost every time he calls me lately. Silent tears roll down my face. If he knew he would think I’ve lost my mind. Some days I think I have.
During phone calls we talk and then during the silence my tears fall and I hold them back so that he doesn’t hear me. It’s been so sad.
The Truth: I Love You, I Need You.
I’ve suddenly became extremely insecure in my relationship. The first downfall was an urgent hysterectomy because my uterus was filled with 34 tumors and blood, so I can’t give the only man I ever loved children, when I wanted to so desperately. Then 4 years later I get diagnosed with MS. I’ve gained weight from depression and exercise intolerance and I simply feel worthless and he most certainly could do better but for right now, he still chooses me.
One the good days, I’m noticing that I have the ability to reflect back on the hard days. I realize how silly I sound. I’m also learning to be ok with sounding like a fool and dumping out the negativity. Then fill my cup with more gratitude.
Today, was that GOOD day. Today, I reflected. I realized that I am loved, he is terrified to say it to me but he told me once before and it was such a powerful moment that even though I wish he would say “I love you” more, that moment he did was enough.
He shows me in so many ways how much he cares, he puts in time and dedication when I’m not around searching for car parts and learning how to fix cars when I have car trouble. He has helped me through difficulties, When he wraps his arms around me, I can feel his love pour into my soul. His hugs heal me. I could stay in his arms for the rest of my lifetime and be satisfied.
Wrap your arms around your spouse or significant other and just stay in that moment for 2-5 minutes. It will help you. I will blog about healing hugs in the near future.
I’m not quite at the point to share my feelings with him when I have the days I want to throw in the towel. I’m working on that. Communicating my feelings make me feel so vulnerable. If you have a great relationship where you can share your emotions, do it. You may get the support you need from your partner.
What I’m Learning
Although I am newly diagnosed, I am learning that MS is an emotional roller coaster. Depression just hits you. We’re angry, helpless at times, our pride is shattered and it hurts to reminisce about the old times, because in those moments you remember all the things you were capable of doing. It’s hard. It hurts, it’s real.
Find an outlet my friends. I make crafts, I pray, I journal, I listen to music that lifts my spirits, I take care of my plants. My outlets might not be what you enjoy however find something. Counseling isn’t something that you should be embarrassed about. It’s a safe place to share how you feel. Having MS is expensive, I understand that we might not have money to go to counseling, that’s ok too, you are not alone. Find an MS support group, talk with your pastor or find a friend that you can trust.
Find your way. Even when we don’t feel like there is hope, trust me, that small light at the end of the tunnel is yours. Walk towards it through the pain. Trust me you’ll make it. Just keep going my friends.
Happily Ever Amber 