One thing that my boyfriend and I enjoy doing with the boys is going for long rides on a weekend day. Time with him is always my favorite and I remember when I could sit in the car pain free for a few hours as we drove through beautiful parts of Texas. Things have drastically changed.
Since I’ve been dealing with so much pain lately, driving in the car for more than 20-30 minutes has been extremely hard. No one understands that If I had the money I would teleport to work, hire a driver so that I could sleep, get toll charges just to get cut 10 mins off the trip! Ok I think you get my point here.
Since I knew we were going for a drive, I held my evening dose of Gabapentin since I only have it written for once a day, I took my Oxybutynin, Meloxicam and Methocarbomal, and I put my tens unit on before I left the house. Yes, it takes all this to prepare for the car ride.
I was fine at first. When I talked to Honey on the phone he asked me which direction we should go this time. I picked Cedar Hill because it’s such a beautiful route, it makes me feel like I left the state of Texas, I was so excited to end up watching the backside of my eyelids!
Me enjoying the view of my eyelids!
I kept falling asleep, I had stiffness galore and my back was killing me. Every step that I took felt horrible but I survived it. We went to Dinner and to see the movie Chavalier, it was an outstanding movie, by the time it was over I needed help to stand up.
Honestly I felt so embarrassed. I can’t wait to find out what all is wrong with me on the 25th of this month. I am over being trapped in a painful stiff body. I just want relief!
I’m so thankful for the kind and loving soul that calls me his lady. He is always gentle, he notices the smallest details and is always so supportive. I don’t know what I would have done that day without him.
For the warrior: Don’t over do it if you simply just can’t, it’s ok to say no.
For the family/friends: Be intentional, supportive and present. If you see them struggling reach over and help!
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Part of me wanted to really have a blog that talked about something super cool that could be useful to others. As I go through my most recent health challenges, I decided that I am going to blog about this journey. I can tell it’s already going to be a long one.
It’s my hope that people with autoimmune disorders and chronic pain are heard and understood. I’ve been seeing it first hand that a lot of people really don’t have much knowledge and their opinions that are mostly stated in love and lack of information can come across as hurtful or rude. Well I’m here to say sorry for all those people and hopefully I can open some eyes up to others who don’t have auto immune disease to try to understand what we go through on a daily basis
For one, we have our good days and bad days, it takes YEARS sometimes to get a diagnosis depending on the issue, people treat you like you are medication seeking (DOCTORS) when all you are seeking is some form of relief even if it’s in small increments in the day or if it gives you at least one night of good rest.
People also don’t understand that you can go a lifetime and then suddenly BOOM!! autoimmune disease rears its ugly head and it feels like things go down hill from there. It ungraciously entered my life at 38 years old.
I am an open book and I get the comment I hear often “you don’t look like you are sick.” Let me tell you, I am!
Walk through this unfiltered journey with me by supporting my blog. Some post may be transparent, maybe even a little TMI but it so important for the warrior that is in the fight to feel as though they aren’t alone and for the loving care taker to understand the pain, frustrations and emotions they simply can’t wrap their head around because let’s face it, the rollercoaster these diseases make absolutely no sense.
We aren’t lazy…
We aren’t faking…
We aren’t lying…
We are sick, beautiful on the outside but our bodies are literally at war on the inside.
Warriors you are not alone, family members and friends, be supportive or stay silent.
In our walk with Christ, the most difficult task that we often struggle with is forgiveness. When people hurt us, whether it be intentional or not, forgiving them can be hard. If the situation that you are forgiving from seem unbearable, it can be even more difficult to let the situation go.
Just like sin has no measure, neither does forgiveness. I never really thought about that sin is sin and forgiveness is forgiveness no matter how bad the sin was or how awful the aught was that was done against you. We should all forgive as Christ forgave us.
If we didn’t have to earn forgiveness, why do we make others feel like they need to earn ours?! Jesus loved us. He took on the bitter sins of the world without a requirement, so that we can be free. There is no greater blessing then the weight of what Jesus did on the cross. This is the same we should do for others in return.
As you reflect on forgiveness. Take some time to read Leviticus. Highlight some of the areas in your Bible of the steps of what it took for atonement so that you can see how special the cross should be for us and why we strive to be loving and forgiving like Jesus. He replaced that entire process from the book of Leviticus. He because the lamb sacrificed and the veil was torn so that we could have direct access to God. In the days of Leviticus it all had to be done by the priest.
Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget, it also means that you can’t hold a grudge about it either. Learn to let go, learn to truly forgive and you will walk in peace.
I’m sure you are all thinking, why in the world does this crazy woman have a Lowe’s bag in her drivers seat? And what does it have to do with low points.
Well in my defense it was buying toilet bowl parts that sent me over the edge! My toilet bowl has been running and it drove me nuts. In my frustration I decided that I am going to make an attempt to change out the fill valve. To turn it into even more of a nightmare, I am the fool that decided I’ll do it myself.
Sadly I have a man I’ve been dating for 5 years. In my menopausal emotional state (that’s another post) I was in my emotional feelings instead of just simply asking for help.
I drove to Lowe’s to pick of my order because Lord knows that if it isn’t right in front of me, I will never find it. Plus it smells like a man store and I’m just not interested unless I am buying plants of flowers.
That’s what sent me over the edge! I saw a beautiful lady grabbing a flower cart, looking so serene like she never had to plunge a toilet, waltzing over to buy plants. I just about came unglued. It wasn’t her that I was upset with. I allowed my sadness and thoughts get a hold of me.
I started with the pity party of an exhausted mother who wants to so desperately be married to the man that I ADORE, and thinking suddenly something must be wrong with me that he won’t marry me, then the list of my imperfections started to ring in my ears. All while I was picking up an order.
Life is hard. Reality didn’t even strike me until I sat down to blog about how horrible I felt yesterday. It’s also a reminder of how quick our emotions can set us off into a mess of negative thoughts if we aren’t careful. I had to remind myself…
God is our refuge. It’s so important that we continue to trust in him. It’s ok to have basket case days just like I did. Just make sure that you stop and take captive of any negative thoughts that don’t line up with who God says that you are.
It wasn’t about to toilet problem. It was about me not focusing on who God says that I am. The lesson I learned is, This is an area I still desperately need to grow in.
Moses said to the Lord "Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The Lord said to him, "Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, The Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
Exodus 4:10-12
As a single mother of 5 I have 3 of them that are amazingly unique. One has Asperger’s Syndrome, Once has Autism Spectrum Disorder (moderate) and one had ADD. My house is quite colorful with different emotions, behaviors and forgetfulness on a regular. Its a wonder that I have’t gone insane, but it is by God’s grace that my mind hasn’t gotten the best of me however, I am not ashamed to say that I’ve been anxious every time they have a birthday now that they are getting older.
My biggest worry is will my youngest ever be able to live on his own, will people bully him when he goes to middle school and high school because kids today are mean and he is a sweet boy that is very easily influenced by good and bad because he barely understands the difference. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. My son with ADD is so forgetful that if his head wasn’t attached to his neck, it would be left on top of his dresser every morning before school. Lastly my daughter she is anti social and everything around her gives her anxiety. I worry that she won’t be able to navigate the world without a breakdown.
Everything that I am feeling I am sure that other parents have these same feelings as well. I was reading my bible in a year one morning and this time when I ready the story about Moses a lightbulb went off in my head. This is why I love the Bible, it truly is alive and God certainly speaks to us through it. Out of all the times I read the story about Moses at the burning bush and all the plagues that God brought to the house of Pharaoh and the Egyptian community, but this time something stuck out.
Moses was slow of speech and tongue! Yet God used him to drive the Israelites out of Egypt. His name has been known throughout generation to generation. The beautiful part of the beginning of Moses’s ministry, when he questioned God in the NIV version of Exodus 4:11 the Lord says “Who gives human beings their mouths? who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say. God reassured Moses help and the Lord did exactly that by giving him Aaron, his brother.
This part of scripture gave me more peace than what I have felt over the past year, especially for my youngest son. God can still use my children right where they are. He created them diverse and unique and he has a special plan for their lives. He will also send the help that they need to accomplish his good works and I am a strong believer that he can and will do just that. I may not know what the future holds but I do know that God loves us and he can do the same thing for our children as he did for Moses and we have to be confident and have peace, knowing that he is in full control.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. This statement has to be the biggest lie that you could ever tell yourself.
Did you know words are more harmful than broken bones?
In the book of Proverbs the scriptures are proof that words are far more damaging then bones. Bones heal, words can kill or heal. It’s up to how you use them.
“My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body.” Proverbs 4:20-22 NIV
Words are something that we use 24 hours and seven days a week. When someone upsets us, it’s a very natural reaction to respond just as ugly. Or if you woke up on the right side of the bed and prayed you might step back and think to yourself “oh no they didn’t.”
We live in an era where people are easily offended and guess what it’s even in the church! Yes, I said it the church!! How you respond and represent your life as a believer matters. There are people that are watching us everyday, that you probably have no idea are looking up to you.
Always live your life like your walls have eyes and they are watching your every move.
– Amber
My downfall for the longest would be me snapping back anytime anyone tried to have fly lips toward me. God has taught me so much. I can attract more Bee’s with honey than vinegar.
Praying about this flaw to be removed from my tongue was hard and I had many tests come my way, trust me! I noticed the more I chose to give life giving words verses tearing people down, I noticed that God would give me a glimpse of their heart. That person would trust me by sharing something personal as to why they reacted the way they did. I even received apologies because I responded with love.
Of course you still have the handful That will NEVER apologize and that’s OK. As long as you have done what is right before God and his creation, you will have peace because you treated them with kindness.
So be mindful of what you say and how you speak. Your words can bring life and health to others. What a wonderful way to live by speaking peacefully to others with kindness.
Father, thank you for the blood of Jesus shed for me. I offer the whole of my life to you: my body and my mind; my will and all my decisions; my family and all of my relationships; my finances and all you have given to me; my work and service to you. In Jesus’ Name, I receive the protection that comes through the blood of the lamb over my life. In Jesus’s holy and precious name.
All I can say is Dallas Jenkins did a fabulous job closing out with the final episode of season three. I am looking forward to season four, However, I am not quite ready to see the Lord be nailed to the cross just yet. I’ve really been enjoying watching Jesus, as a man and seeing the interaction between himself and his disciples.
Let’s talk about the final episode of season three. It was very emotional to me. We got to see a Simon serve Jesus with a little bitterness and a broken heart from the loss of his wife’s pregnancy
The time hasn’t quite come yet in this season, however, Jesus is preparing his disciples for when the time will come. More and more people are coming from near and far to hear the great teacher Jesus and see him perform miracles.
The disciples are still wavering in their faith and seem very concerned about the mass of people arriving to hear Jesus teach his message about the kingdom to the Jews and Gentiles.
What really stood out to me was Simon. It seemed as though he was feeling just a little betrayed because Jesus was healing so many people around him while his wife was suffering. He started focusing on his pain and his emotions caused instead of giving his all, he basically just went through the motions. He half heartedly did what he was asked to do but his heart was not in it.
There was a beautiful moment where Jesus looked over at Simon, you can tell he had compassion on him. He knows all things so he was aware that there was a plan and Jesus knew Simon had to go through that particular situation because of the call that was on his life.
As parents there are times that our children may suffer pain, heartbreaks and sometimes consequences from their behavior. We don’t want to see them hurt but we do know that from that pain if directed towards Gods goodness that it will turn into a positive learning experience with the proper guidance. We want to fix it. In that moment Jesus wanted to fix it, but there was an assignment that needed to be done first.
Then the ultimate part happened where my heart just melted. Jesus has just fed the 5,000 the bread and fish and then he sends the disciples off into a boat across the sea. They get caught in a mighty storm. I love how the boat is was so small compared to the waves because it gave an opportunity to show how big God is.
The lightening flashes and one of the disciple’s see’s a form of a man from afar on the water! Lo and behold it was Jesus. Simon, still angry, tries to test Jesus. Honestly, I do not think one minute that Simon didn’t believe. I just think he was being rude because he was hurt. I say this because he actually walked on water.
He calls out to Jesus and asks him to command him to come if it’s him. So Jesus does. Simon starts to step outside the boat and the disciples thought he was crazy but then, a powerful moment happens Simon takes those steps. As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus he was safe as soon as he focused on the waves (situation) he began to drown.
Simon was drowning in his pain while serving Jesus amongst the 5,000. He was so focused on the hurt that he lost sight of Jesus and became slightly bitter. If he would have kept his eyes on Jesus, he would have saved him eventually.
As Simon began to drown Jesus reached down and took his hand but something even more beautiful was happening in that moment. We got to see the divine connection. Of marriage as well. It was awesome, as Simon was under the water, his wife was also being cleansed by water. They went under at the same time and they both came up renewed. When Simon came up from being under the water, he poured out his tears in a beautiful embrace with Jesus. I love how Jesus consoled him and held him in comfort.
I’m eager to see in season 4 if Simon comes home to a little one or a pregnant wife. All I know is when we keep our eyes on Jesus there isn’t a storm around us that can take us under. As you saw in the last episode Jesus held up his hand and commanded the waters to be peaceful and it was. This how Jesus is within our lives. He is the calmer of the storm. I will always rejoice knowing that he is in control and I don’t have to carry life’s burdens alone.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 NIV
“Be joyful in hope,patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
We are here in 2023. We made it through a world pandemic that is still lurking in the shadows. The last few years has been a test of our Faith and Trust in God. I found myself confused and standing on the side of WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING?! On several occasions.
I don’t really recall doubting God (Lord forgive if I have and didn’t notice.) I sure doubted myself. I thought maybe I’m doing something that made God angry and I was reaping what I sowed. Then I thought, maybe I’m not living right and I tried to evaluate everything. It seemed like my mind was racing around negativity. I made the mistake of wanting to fix things myself and then it dawned on me. I was spiritually asleep and I needed to wake up.
God was calling me to take my prayer, Faith and trust to another level. He launched me in the deep and I only had two options either drown or learn to walk on water. In other words take his hand and trust in him.
I went months where my only income were the birth clients that I had and those numbers started to dwindle down. This was my only form of income. I wasn’t working, I was homeschooling the kids and we were so close to losing our home. Strangely I had this awkward peace when everything in me really wanted to panic, I just couldn’t do it. Every time I thought I was going to have an emotional breakdown I was reminded of David when he said:
“I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.” Psalms 37:25 NIV
Somehow in all that was going on, I had an overwhelming peace that sustained me. Trusting in the Lord wasn’t easy. It certainty takes a commitment and building a relationship with Jesus to create a solid foundation.
Praying for Others:
Prayer doesn’t just stop between you and Jesus. He calls us to pray for one another, leaders in authority, the body of Christ and the lost. God’s concern has always been for mankind so our concern should be for his creation as well. When we are concerned about His will for His creation, then He will be concerned about the desires of our heart if it’s within His will.
Jesus is calling us to a deeper connection with him. He wants us to see the heart of mankind so that he can use us to plant the seeds of the kingdom of Heaven in their lives. As we focus in His purpose, he will ensure that our needs are taken care of and provide for us.
Happily Ever Amber 